personal power outage (in the mind)

posted by the scholar on July 3rd, 2008
filed under: flotsam & jetsam

warning: highly unusual, genuine, intense, negative diatribe ahead.

welcome_to_the_nuthouse

there was a huge storm in michigan last night which knocked out the electricity, so i am back at home with the dogs now. i came home at midnight because i was worried that the dogs would freak out from the storms, which continued to pound the area as i drove home. they also need refrigerated medicines on a daily basis and i can’t skip what they need just so i can be by the beach on the 4th of july. it’s funny and ironic, bitterly ironic, because i was just saying that those breezy states of mind that come with the summer season never last in me. i don’t have a calm mind i don’t stop thinking and it is so easy for negativity to creep into my brain and cuddle with it like a baby blanket. it gets comfy up there. and i had been working up at the cottage for the last 2 days doing chores, very unfun chores that made me sweaty! i had finally finished them all and only had one left, to go pick my husband (who works like a dog and for whom i wanted to make things simple and easy upon arrival so he could enjoy his holiday weekend) up at the train station on thursday night, when all this mishigas went down. it takes an extremely long time for me to make lemonade when life give me lemons, especially when they are giving me the finger. do you know what i mean? oh maybe you don’t. i don’t know. gahhhhhh. i’m disgusted and mad. defeated. and it totally does NOT help that we had plans to simply drive back up today, and then found out that the power won’t be back on until saturday night, allegedly.

i wanted to get out of the city to avoid the dogs becoming anxious with all the firecrackers going off in the alley behind our house. kaiser has had seizures because of them and since he just recently had one i wanted to be up in the country and away from the noise. i just wanted to have a little bit of time that was pressure-free. a small extended period when no one needs anything and i’m not worrying about making plan a or b work or being hypercritical of myself if things don’t get done on my task list or worrying about how to organize my day or how i will get to all the obligations or whatever else might happen and how to deal with other stupid little things that life throws your way. i am so tired of the sinking feeling that everything is a complete giant effort and that no task comes naturally or easily.

now that i have a tremendous headache i’ve decided that i am on holiday from writing until monday, starting now. maybe i will put silent photographs up. i always enjoy my snapshot sundays, maybe i will do snapshot friday and saturday this week too. or not. photography is the only thing right now that focuses my mind, that slows my mind. and i had actually taken some decent shots while i was there too. maybe i will actually be back up there sooner than i think and the power will be back on and i will take even more photographs. maybe maybe maybe.

i hope i haven’t given you a headache now too from all this toxic blather. i always sucked at keeping a journal but now that i am becoming old and slow perhaps i am finally learning how. with an audience comprised of people from around the globe knowing all about it. oh great. serenity now, serenity now.

sorry, and thanks for letting me vent. i am going to hit the refresh button on myself, and we will return to the regularly scheduled program on monday.


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3 Responses to “personal power outage (in the mind)”

  1. El Says:

    Poor you, but poor Kaiser! I seem to remember asking my vet about fireworks, and he said I could slightly up Alex’s antiseizure meds beforehand to kind of keep him calm. He also gave me some non-addictive holistic stuff to take with us on a particularly long car- and plane trip with Alex: it did help but dang if I know what it is called. Call your vet, though: maybe they have something for both pooches. Yours can’t be the only dogs in Chi-town who hate the 4th.

    You did get hit much worse by the storms than we did. Just well-needed rain and a bunch of thunder. No power outages at all.

    FWIW I don’t have a calm mind at all either and I live where the living is supposed to be easy! But you know even if I could turn off my brain I probably wouldn’t. Obligations, though: yes, I would gladly say NO if I could. Not that that helps at all; just want to say I feel your pain. Reading about your pooches has brought it all back.

  2. paula Says:

    hope the power is on
    the brain off
    the dogs well
    the hubby happy
    and you?
    wash that baby blanket
    🙂
    p

  3. the scholar Says:

    girls,

    thanks for caring. i feel MUCH better now. xoxoxo

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